sitting in the library at school, should be finishing up my notes for my spanish presentation, but, i feel like writing.
i woke up today and looked at a picture of my mom. some times i feel like she is really looking back at me in those pictuers. like she is trapped in there and i need to help get her out. every day i feel like i become more like her, i have more of her manerisms. i dont feel sorry about this at all. it makes me feel like she is still with me some where. after three years i sometimes hope that i will quit feeling this way and that i can just put away the pictures and not feel this way. but, then i never want to forget either. its interesting to me how i can want to forget and hate to forget all at one time.
for weeks i have wanted to go back to bad habbits and yet i have not. some times i wonder if i just did would this feeling go away for a while? am i just torchering myself? should i indulge? what is the harm? will it effect others? why do i feel guilty? this is my body. i get mad at the one that is keeping me from it, and yet i love him all the more for it. why is this something i feel like i need? just to feel it again, the sting, the soothing pain.